Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
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(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Just why bro?!
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos