Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
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There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Blew out my flip flop…
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
this interaction always makes me laugh, no hard feelings 🙂
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Anyone know how to get a drunk 52 year old dude stuck in a kids booster seat out?
In other news I’m also not allowed at this Applebee’s anymore.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker