Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me

surfer priest: so, like, jesus & his bros were at dinner one night & he stood up & said, “the one who doesn’t order the fish tacos is gonna, like, totally betray me,” & his bros were all, like, “no waaay, we wouldn’t do that,” & judas was, like, “i’m sooo sick of fish tacos.”

My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻‍♀️

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings

Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry

My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

me: *jumping out of a cake*

guy in next urinal: DUDE

Jeez…it’s like the people in this nursing home have never heard techno before.

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?

Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now

Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps

“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.

[first date]

-so how do you feel about octopus?

Her: I like em

-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

little girl: he was a gift

horse dentist: then I cannot help you

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.

Son: Dad can sand melt?

Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t

Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*

Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week

My reply: I don’t know,am I?