Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
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my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
can’t stop thinking about that time at the planetarium where they showed us a picture of earth and everyone booed.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
DR: your IQ test results are abysmal
ME: is… is that good?
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Daughter likes bananas.
Daughter likes banana bread.
Daughter won’t eat this banana bread because it tastes too much like bananas.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
If I had money, my life would be pretty much the same, but my dogs would destroy much nicer shit
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.