Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most refreshing way to fight your personal demons is to make demonade.

I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.

(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.

You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking

Me: Aww, a bear!

Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.

Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.

The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.

There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.

I need to hide the teen’s birthday present where he’ll never find it so I’m thinking behind the vacuum cleaner will be perfect.

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

I just kept my pants buckled for 30 minutes straight so I think I know a little bit about endurance training, Sheila

A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.

Step One: Have kids.

Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”

ME: “Wow! when?”

Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”

Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️

What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.

So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!

Okey dokey.

ME: gimme a beer with a thick head

BARTENDER: you got it

BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

Pro tip:

If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.

She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.

wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die

[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT

I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings

It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.

*3 running a brush through my hair*

3: I’m making your hair pretty

Me: Thank you

3: instead of so ugly

Me:

While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it