Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
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Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
Not today
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5