Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.

Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*

Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?

Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.

People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.

ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:

[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESS

MURDERER: What?

ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on

I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.

Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd

Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.

getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”

I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.

If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.

“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”

INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control

Them crunching noisily: These cookies you made are huge!

Me: those are chocolate chip pancakes

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.

Friend: How long till school starts?

Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.

Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.

using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism

BREAKING NEWS ~ Janet on Facebook is having chicken salad for dinner tonight.

CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.

I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key

My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.

To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.