Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whether you rip off a bandaid quickly or slowly, I find it’s best to ask the wearer’s permission first.

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”

Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss

Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”

People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.

Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?

The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.

HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*

this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying

What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

I put the Nutella in the freezer so I don’t eat it and man, what a chilled treat of a backfire that was.

They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.

It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

Sucking someone’s finger is supposed to be seductive, but my dentist just seemed pretty upset.

Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.

doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!

nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet

[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”

On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

Therapist: Do you have a support system?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?

Me: I have a lumbar pillow.

I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza

NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash