Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”

Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”

My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate

Good morning, Twitter 😊

Alcohol is photoshop for real life.

Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

I have caller ID for the front door.

If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.

When will people magazine have the balls to tell us who the sexiest dead guy is

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen

– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably

So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

dinosaur: how’d you die

human: stupid

Player 1: There goes his funny bone.

Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!

Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!

I miss 2006 when everyone was young and dumb and easy to trick.

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here

me: i hate camping too

I think I’m having a stroke

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

Shazam but for the name of the person who literally just introduced themself to me

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

Dad: I’m so hungry.

Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!

*Dad turns head very slowly*

[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]

People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.

I am rebranding my disorganized and cluttered house as a ‘masterclass of maximalism’

Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”

Actually I just wanna check the court websites