Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.

This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon

[later]

Wife: pass me the rock sample bags

Me: I thought you brought them

I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.

My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.

I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.

cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding

me: fine

Essential oils? You mean WD40?

me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up

my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass

Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.

What’s the point buying it then?

Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”

Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything

Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?

Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead

in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.

i used the “😭” emoji in a work chat and the manager of a separate department got upset about it and said this to my boss about me

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands