Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
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“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
it’s so funny when a horse is shredded like a bodybuilder. like goddamn dude you wanna be a car so bad
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
And then there were 4
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas