@stevevsninjas

Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

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@matt_simpson84

That scene from Jurassic Park where the T-Rex is breathing heavily up against the jeep glass, except its me at the hotdog display in 7/11

@dafloydsta

[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho

@TCKMed

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough.

@SamuelHLowe

If you’re ever on death row, request Denny’s for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.

@murrman5

if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?

@SmartassChef

If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.

@DonQuickoats

I wear a monogrammed bathrobe but only when I’m mowing the lawn

@Vodkantots

In some cultures, it’s considered polite to scream when someone shows you their baby.

I’d be considered proper there. Probably.

@AimeeHelene1

*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!

Bank: You mean money?

*giggles*
Oh, bother…

– Pooh robbing a bank