Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

You Might Also Like


That scene from Jurassic Park where the T-Rex is breathing heavily up against the jeep glass, except its me at the hotdog display in 7/11


[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho


Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough.


If you’re ever on death row, request Denny’s for your last meal so you can live an extra year waiting on your order.


if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”

[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?


If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.


I wear a monogrammed bathrobe but only when I’m mowing the lawn


In some cultures, it’s considered polite to scream when someone shows you their baby.

I’d be considered proper there. Probably.


*holds up gun*

Bank: You mean money?

Oh, bother…

– Pooh robbing a bank