Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.

We were definitely meant for each other.

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is

Me: my wife says I never pay attention

Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list

If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

Kids: We’re hungry!

Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.

The thing:

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake

“Oh, insomnia?”

No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.

SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel

NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second

Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors

*First day as a fire investigator*

Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down

Woman: Have you ruled out arson?

Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No

My son put his dish in the sink so I rushed him to urgent care.

Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,

Shut up.

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.

The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.

*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*

Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!

The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction

Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”

me: *knocking* hello is anyone home

mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock

me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.

Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.

Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.

facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks