Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
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I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Going for a walk because I want to stay healthy. Taking along a box of M&M’s because let’s be honest here.
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm
3 PLACES I LOVE STAYING:
1. HOME
2. OUTTA PEOPLE BUSINESS
3. IN MY OWN LANE
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Well, well, well, look who is who he says he is.
~The guy with the blue check by his name.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”