Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

best first i’ve ever seen

FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.

Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined

Me: no

[watching christmas movie]

Me: who’s your favorite character?

Daughter: I like the grinch.

Me: but he’s the bad guy.

Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.

Me:

Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser

I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.

When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–

detective: okay I got the picture

me: wow that was really fast

something like this could probably happen to anyone

Who called them mermaids and not scale models?

health insurance agent: and do you smoke?

me: *winking* only after sex

hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke

All dates are ‘blind dates.’

The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.

ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.

So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?

God making Khaki

God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down

Angel: Nice!

G: But it shows every pee drip

A: Hilarious!

USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?

In my 20’s: I want to find true love.

In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

Legit call from the school:

Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
Daughters official statement about the event once she got home: “This could have been really fun, if *insert teachers last name* wasn’t scared of freakin birds and cried like a little girl about catching the bird flu. Like, hello, Covid exists. Nobody cares about the bird flu.”

Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.

Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.

Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”

Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.

Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down

A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing

*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*

I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.

Dimsummernight’s dream

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.