Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
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[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
What number SPF blocks people?
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister