Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots

“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

me: i have an imaginary gf

therapist: u can do better than that

me: i know, it’s just–

therapist: i was talking to her

Don’t touch that.

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!

I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.

I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.

No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

Still the weirdest shit to me how the mario movie did the “aw I just want my dad to support me and my dream” plot but instead of like being a musician, Mario wants to be a plumber. Which is a pretty grounded reasonable thing to want to do.

Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.

Doctor: How your diet?

Me: My what now?

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.

Student: that’s impossible

Me: I assure you, it’s not

I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.

Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..

Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?

I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code