Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Note to self:
Used VHS tapes do not make good emergency gifts, always go with stuff from the freezer.

Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them

I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.

I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.

So inspired right now.

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff

Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.

Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz

I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng

The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.

I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

“How much to go into this haunted house?”

“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”

“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”

There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s

Cool Ranch Doritos are just like regular ranch Doritos except every chip wears a little pair of aviators.

My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.

Raisins, she wants raisins.

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*

You looked a little sickly.

My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being

The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…

Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).

Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.