Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.

ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?

DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*

ME:

DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back

I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.

[ brings ouija board to your grave ]

“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”

C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.

Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard

Ever wonder how many cap fulls of ZzzQuil would it take for you to wake up spooning an inflatable Snowman 2 blocks away ….. well it’s 3

I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car

I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years

ME: I can’t speak that slowly

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”

Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.

THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world

Nobody:

My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.

Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬

I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?

B: You mean a choir?

A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?

The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”

….I’ll see myself out….

Lord they down here giving us bills every month after you already paid the price

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…