Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

MOST RESTAURANTS:

Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”

friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”

If you pull this stunt in front of me at security stg I’ll call the cops

Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??

LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories

ME: shouldn’t it have more?

If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

This edible ain’t shit.

*5 minutes later

Is it just me or is it hungry in here?

wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa

i’m a 10 (tion deficit)

Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.

My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.

I live alone.

The dryer is my closet.

hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know

i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.

‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl

i made a craigslist ad !

What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.