Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog

Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard

This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.

My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?

Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.

Kid: huh?

Me: I said, when we went to the park.

[broken down by the side of the road]

ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.

Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.

Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries

Cable guy:

The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.

*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.

When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug

My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.

I’m sorry.

my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.

Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss

Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.

Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper

once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”

To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0

“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”

-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.

“Just put mom on the phone”

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.

Baby, it takes two to tango

But only one to tequila.

Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what