Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.

Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.

Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.

Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.

therapist: you are your own worst enemy

me: undefeated baby

cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.

Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.

guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg

Me: My passion for the sea is rather inconsistent, I’m afraid. It comes in waves

Navy recruiter: Get out

him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction

me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts

I’m not a helicopter mom.

I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us

[quarantine routine]

7am: woke up

8am: fell out of bed

9am: dragged a comb across my head

10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup

11am: looking up I noticed I was late

12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat

1pm: made tiktoks with my cat

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

[after drug rehab]

Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield

Garfield: *normal cat noises*

Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?

*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*

ME: Ooh that looks like fun

*I push her down the stairs*

There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.

My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.

Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.

Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?

Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?

Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes

My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.