Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

95% percent of forest fires are caused by someone walking in corduroy pants.

The officer looked pretty stupid when I asked him to show me the law that’s says I can’t have a rotisserie oven in my truck.

go easy on yourself <3

Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”

Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*

Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder

Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:

Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

Welcome to Netflix. We have every movie but the one you actually want to watch.

no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.

[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*

Priest: the bride, sir

My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudoku

OTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku

ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy

Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]

Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up

Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺

Me two kids later: Oh.

I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.

I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.

Annnnd that’s how the fight started.

Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*

HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?

Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now

Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.

And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.

“I can be nice or I can be honest.”

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.