Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

DAUGHTER: What if the moon isn’t big and far away, what if it’s close but really small?

ME: Haha, no it definitely isn’t.

[2AM]
ME:

WIFE: Go to sleep.

ME: What if it is though?

Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!

Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Dracula: *sighing* I guess.

Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.

I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.

“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress

How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.

Real House Wines.

A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?

MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’

NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,

This chapter of my life is called.

“Pushing a pull door”

Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”

Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..

NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs

SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail

NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug

SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?

NOAH:

SLUG:

NOAH: karaoke’s at 7

we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌

This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.

Boyfriend: hey this girl was hitting on me today!

Me: *don’t care*

Best friend: hey this other girl called me bestie

Me: *jealous rage*

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

Let’s play a game.

What item did my almost 3yo bring into our bed.

A: A teddy bear

B: A blanket

C: A @$!&*’n toilet brush

I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’

[2052 pre-apocalypse]

Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world

Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS