Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
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*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
My neighbor cut their tree down and now my house looks bald.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog