Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.

Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to

Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream

wife: what did he say?

me: he kept laughing at me

I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.

Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.

Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.

My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:

“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”

You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.

2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*

Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?

There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —

Me: — what kind of dessert would there be

[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”

Me: A lady never reveals her age.

Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!

Me: FINE! *sigh* 37

Dr: thank you

Me: ish

When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old

God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.

Angel: Like at 6 AM?

God: Earlier.

Angel: 5 AM?

God: EARLIER

I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?

Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.

You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.

The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.

[Wedding Day]

FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!

ME: it’s always today, janet