Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
You Might Also Like
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
me: i’m a writer
them: oh! what do you write?
me: mostly emails
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
girl broke up with me for talking like a old timey gangster. driving way too fast bc I’m so upset. Wouldn’t be surprised if the brass buttons turned the cherries on and pulled me over
Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
judge: do u swear to tell the truth
me: dare
judge: what
me: i choose dare instead
judge: [whispering to bailiff] is that legal
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.