Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My grandfather poured his blood, sweat and tears into his career.

Amazing man. Horrible chef.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.

I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible

People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken

So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream

Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.

Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.

day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me

When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.

I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha

*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*

*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE

It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”

My New Year’s resolutions:

1. Stop making lists.

B. Be more consistent.

7. Learn to count.

Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.

Neighbors of serial killers always describe them as “really nice” people.

Who else is a “really nice” neighbor?

Canada.

I’m just sayin’

[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]

“HEY! NO LITERING–”

shh wait

[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]

cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners

Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.

Came out pretty well.

Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse

I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together

Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting

Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

watching a murder doc and the main girl just said “i believe god put me in this prison for a reason” and im like well the reason is you murdered your husband

I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.

8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.