Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

My husband accused me of not being affectionate, so I kissed the FedEx guy.

ME: truth or dare

PRIEST: just take the communion

I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.

What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!

What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.

Cricket: what am I?

God: a bug

Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?

God: you sorta jump big

Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?

God: nah buddy that’s a bird

Bird: *chirps*

Cricket: *chirps*

God: no stop that

I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.

My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.

olive garden manager: why are you quitting

waiter: i signed up to guard olives

Haha! 😂

All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

People who play golf don’t concern me nearly as much as the people who watch it

Whoa whoa whoa… I was stalking her first buddy…

“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.

When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.

Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.

I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume

We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.

Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.