Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
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Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
Thrilling chase underway
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.