Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Alexa, make me look good naked.

As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.

Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.

HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF

You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum

[6 months after the pandemic ends]

Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

me: my father fought in the war

her: which one?

me: I’ve only got one dad

What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?

The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.

-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?

Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.

My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.

ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.

DAUGHTER: Chad.

ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.

Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.

I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.

I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.

Lather. Rinse. Repeat!

*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year

“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”

something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!

Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*

Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!

Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*

I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress

*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*

[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.

A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.

HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”

Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”