Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.

Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples

Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?

Therapist: let go of my collar

*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*

*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*

Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.

Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?

Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”

If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.

Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-

Me: Yes, I know…the drill.

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant

So, this morning I went into the garage and noticed the attic was wide open. We don’t use it and it’s a heavy panel, so I was freaked out already but trying to play it cool for my kid.

But tell me why my 5yo stared straight into the darkness and said “a man lives there.”

is this a warning or an offer?

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?

never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement