Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.

Me: “Want a banana?”

3yo: “Yes, but don’t cut it up. And don’t peel it. And don’t make it be a banana. Make it be a waffle.”

a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe

Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”

Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.

Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.

And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”

Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older

Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

I want this so bad

Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.

Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!

Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.

I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.

Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

ME: Every tool in The Flintstones was an animal modified into servitude. Except for transportation. A role historically fulfilled by animals, yet man had to power their cars alone. It feels symbolically significant.

ARCHAEOLOGY PROFESSOR: How do you keep getting in here?

I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.

if i ever have to work at McDonald’s, i want to be the person who sits on the hamburgers.

“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.

My goal is to spend no more than $7 from now until January

imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down

The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.

Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you

date: i’m very level-headed

me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

<first date>

Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*

Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*

[at craft beer festival]

Me: Miller Lite, please

*ukulele girl stops playing*

Bartender: *blinks repetitively*

Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*