Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
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Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
RT if you could go either way.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Okay me first
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit