Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
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*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
This will never not be funny 😭
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
This could be us but you eatin’
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
Me: I love my eyes
Shampoo: *cracks knuckles*
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise