son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
