Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.

robber: alright this is a robbery

dad: no this is a bank

robber: damnit dad not now

john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.

If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.

[ bad kitty ]

me: cut it out

cat: ?

me: stop it

cat: ?

me: knock it off

cat: now we’re talking

I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?

[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS

Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?

Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.

APOLOGISE NOW!!!

Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.

*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*

I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.

I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal

10: Mom what’s a metaphor?

Me: My life is a train wreck.

10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?

[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*

Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.

Me: They’re ibuprofen.

Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!

Me: Good luck with that.

(4am)

Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.

Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.

Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question

me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]

[Time is NOT Real Institute]

BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

ME {coyly}: Time is not real

BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?

ME: Right away

BOSS: …

ME: Oh shi-