Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
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a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
I don’t tweet for attention, I jog in a wedding dress
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Sex so good you see dead people.
If possums have taught me anything, it’s how to dramatically play dead when anyone comes over unannounced.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
This cat wants you to take your pills
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing