Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
Weighing up my bread heating options
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
