son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
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cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?