son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
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God: *frowns*
Angel: Sorry. I thought you said let there be peas on earth.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Spell check is for lasers.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
My retirement plan is to become a cat.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
My son lying to his little sister so she isn’t sad about a movie ending reminds me this year has brought them so much closer together and also kids will lie about anything
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
Incredible customer service.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.