Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
You Might Also Like
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
Airbnb host reported me for having my friend over so I reported her for having an undisclosed ring camera … we’re having a report
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Text a coworker at a random time “are you joining this meeting?” as a fun holiday prank
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
On a Zoom call at work today, a coworker said she was going on mute because she had found an emergency stash of biscuits, and was trying to eat them all before her kids came home. We all applauded.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
I’m at the airport and apparently, someone has designed and built a plane that’s invisible.. .
Well… I can’t see that taking off…
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota