Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers

Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?

me: i’m doing my best

doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?

me: best doesn’t mean good

Grab your brass knuckles, we’re heading to the Waffle House.

putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler

One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.

[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebula

ENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?

[hell]

Satan: this is our library

Me: cool i love reading

Satan: we only have the twilight series

Me: (to my kid after I see her empty plate at the dinner table) I guess you need to learn how take your plate up

My Kid: I’ve already learned that skill.

Me:

My Kid: I don’t need any further practice on it.

Me: 😑

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO

I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.

I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins

A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you

That shit is annoying.

[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”

o: I want a tail

GENIE: ok

α: longer

GENIE: sure

q: LONGER

GENIE: dude

@: perfect

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.