Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Him: Are you always this socially awkward?

Me: Only when I’m in my human form.

Him: So always.

Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.

My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive

If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.

Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji

Wednesday

Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

me:[drinking from a human skull]

him: is that full of blood?

me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.

I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?

Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*

Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*

Her: Let’s just drop it.

Me: Fine.

Her:

Me:

Her: I just find it funny how…

Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*

Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.

Dear parents,

Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.

I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.

When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?

I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth

-my 3 yo, describing pretzels

Rand Paul’s full name is Random Politician

i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november

Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it

These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.

I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!