Son: *picks up backpack* I’m off!
Me: Where are you going?
Son: The bathroom. I hear it’s great this time of year. Been planning this trip for minutes.
[later]
Me: How was your trip?
Son: Highly recommend it. Good to get away for a while.
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[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Live, laugh, lie to the doctor about how many drinks you have per week
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.
Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.
Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
