Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”

[praying in church]
Please God let church end early

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.

My tombstone will probably read

“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”

Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.

The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

*Organizing closet*

Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?

Me: Oh, just put it with the others.

Husband: What?

Me: What?

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide

When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…

Maybe there is a secret third thing

Cw: Ignorance is bliss

Me: Explains why you’re so happy

HR: It’s good to see you again

[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat

But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?

There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen

[caught hiding something in the garbage]

gf: are you eating hot wings again?

me: no

gf: oh really, then touch your eyes

me: god damnit

Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.

A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.

Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

We take our 40% off sale seriously at

At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.

Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.

*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean

the council will decide your fate

Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up

Him: I like your vest.

Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

BOSS: I want to see you in my office.

ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.