Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.

me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]

[rain starts immediately]

[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]

[God inventing pain]

God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.

Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?

God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not

Jesus: this is my body

disciples: *eat bread*

Jesus: this is my blood

disciples: *drink wine*

Jesus: I also made brownies

Judas: but I have diabetes

Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame

I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.

I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.

THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked

bought a box of 100 crickets from the pet store and released them back into the ocean were they belong

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”

Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂

[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.

Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…

My wife: …so what do you think?

Me: wait… what?

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday

What do you call it when one banana eats another?

Cannibananabalism.

What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.

5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.

Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.

Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.

N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W

STOP MAKING IT WEIRD

Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.

Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.

I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.

That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.

INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.

Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.