Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
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Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
“Can you uncut my spaghetti?” -3yo, leveling up her absurd demands game
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.