Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?

Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?

[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]

mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain

me: what

mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in

Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”

I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.

@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh

Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.

Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]

THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?

ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.

Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.

Husband: You should do the Calm app.

Me: You should do the STFU app.

🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile

I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY

Me: You *just* ate

Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT

me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order

At urgent care with my 8yo

Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.

😆

(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)

Salad is the decaf of food.

Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.

Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.

T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH

My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.