Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.

~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day

sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?

AHHH!!! Don’t look at our website with a website browser!! We’ll DIE ! Use our app!!!!!! click this!!

[button that does not open the app, redirects to the app store]

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

The dog version of Die Hard:

– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter

being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.

Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.

Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?

The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.

Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.

NEW YEAR’S LOGIC

1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.

I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?

[Knock at the door]

Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?

Mary: What’s he done this time?

cracking the ice cubes out probably feels so good for the ice tray

Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.

Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?

blessings are like coconuts

sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”

but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

My mood ring just jumped into the trash compactor.

Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?

Waiter: of course monsieur

Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer

You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.

Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.