Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever

Them: they were singing happy birthday to me

I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane

tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

[reading humpty dumpty]

with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.

“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”

“DAD?!”

[next day]

“Where you going with that broom handle?”

“Checkin for squirrels”

I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.

1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever

Relationships are all about compromises. If your partner wants the control of the tv remote, you get to control the thermostat.
Easy peasy.
Also I’m divorced

I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?

There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.

If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.

Son: What’s for dinner

Me: Tater tots

Son: What else?

Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you

I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.

Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.

H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.

Me:

H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.

[on the phone]

ME: Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
[puts hand over phone]
what was it again?

DAUGHTER: [whispers] Boogeritis

ME: [to phone] It’s Boogeritis

(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.

“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?

Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.

Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?