Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

[harry potter at work]

Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?

Harry: a basilisk, yes

Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*

[Subway]

ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*

Diet, Day 14:

I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.

But I’m starting to really like pears.

my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that

drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?

me: haha no thanks i need you to make it

The most extraordinary thing has just occurred to me.

Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste

Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.

You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.

Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.

I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.

So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF

If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

A swear jar for Twitter would end world hunger.

me: *falling asleep*

youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders

me: you have my attention

“I’ve never wished a man dead, but I’ve read some obituaries with great pleasure.”

— Mark Twain

It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?

Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.

being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

“Uh, Mom?” said my 6 year old. “Look at your child.”

So I looked, and there, sitting cross-legged in a miniature lawn chair, was my 2 year old drinking A1 sauce straight out of the bottle.

[On the phone with my bookie]

Put it all on Jesus and let it ride

I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

them: With great power comes great responsibility

me: *shuts off electricity*

Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…