son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
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Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
[in hell]
me: *sad* why am I here?
satan: you’re a murderer
me: what? no I’m not
satan: oh no? *rolls footage of my 3rd grade dance recital* you absolutely SLAYED, guuuuuuurl
me: *blushing* aww
just bought 4 pounds of cherries like I’m in some f***ing math problem
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.