son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
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Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
someone just bragged they had two jobs.
this country is so lost.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Marrying a trad wife only to find out she is too busy creating trad wife content to cook and clean
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
Her- um.. why are you wearing a Darth Vader mask?
Me- you said lets do Yoda together
H- I SAID YOGA YOU DOPE
M- VERY WRONG I WAS
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50