son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
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So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.
Me: Oh darn.
*30 seconds later*
4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
💻🤡
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.