Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.

You, idiot: Bill Gates

Me, a genius: Invoice Doors

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??

Me: copies of what?

6 year old: money

– kidsplaining counterfeiting

As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.

Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT

My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.

“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”

~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership

After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.

Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.

Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.

Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!

Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?

Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-

[train explodes]

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?

Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that

What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.

Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?

Her: He’s a paramedic.

idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows

Hot Panini is in big trouble

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations