Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

I’ve named my couch American Idle.

My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.

We really need someone to step up while the boss is away

*stands up*

Someone without ice cream on their shirt

*looks down at shirt*

*sits down*

Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?

Thor: It’s just not my day.

Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.

Thor:

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated

I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.

An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!

Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.

Is anyone gonna tell them?

*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*

“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”

Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂

Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.

Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

OH. COME. ON.

Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄

This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.