Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

date: so what do you do on the weekends.

me: mostly pet my cat.

date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.

me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.

I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.

sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck

Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.

[At McDonald’s]
Me: Is the ice cream machine working?
Employee: Yes.
Me: Great! I’ll have a…
Employee: APRIL FOOLS!!!!!

I know karate and tons of other words.

Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.

If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”

So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?

Y’all, I’m a teletherapist and my dog just popped up in session looking all professional and shit

A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.

How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking

I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.

Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.

God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm

Penguin: got it

God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost

Kangaroo: Love it

God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best

Bird: wait, what?

Cop: License and registration

Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec

Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room

I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly

How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.