son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
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[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
[inventor of the mirror]
“That wall doesn’t look enough like me”
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
Me: you’re my first customer so forgive me if I’m slow
Bank robber: you’re doing great buddy
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
Accidentally bought a pound of unsalted butter so, if I’m your Secret Santa, well…
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
As long as I can dip something in something, I’m happy.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
How do I explain to my 19 month old that a seahorse doesn’t say “neigh?”
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors