son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
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Mad Max: Furry Road
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*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
A wise man once said nothing.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
my Playstation got stolen… i have no one to console me.