A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Son: Sire, I wish to change my name
King: Why, Prince Stephen?
Son: Because you call me “Prince S”
King: Haha yeah that never gets old
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Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
My wife remains very racist in her approach to laundry.
I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn’t get enough likes on Instagram.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me