@Sickayduh

Son: Sire, I wish to change my name
King: Why, Prince Stephen?
Son: Because you call me “Prince S”
King: Haha yeah that never gets old

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@Spaced_Cowboy00

A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.

@fro_vo

Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah

@ObscureGent

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

@Cpin42

I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.

@_ElvishPresley_

[commercial for boiling water]

*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*

castle guard: there must be a better way!

@AsYouNotWish

I want 2 kids just in case the first one doesn’t get enough likes on Instagram.

@WilliamAder

Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.

@continentlbkfst

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

@shopkins776

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me