The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
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Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Body by Oreos
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.