[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
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an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
There are usually two types of merchants.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
Ken is short for chicken
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.