Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?

ME: *hand up*

TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.

ME: *hand down*

Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you

Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.

i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem

I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say? 

2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!

Story of my life…..

A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus

why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money

Whey they go low, I go high*

*can’t bend over due to age

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.

met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏

Cats are so graceful and light-footed.

[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo

She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school

I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.

May never get over this

Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.

Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.

People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”

If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.

An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!

[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now

*watching TV*

*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*

*turns on closed captions*

Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume

Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.

friend: how did the neck surgery go?

me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.