Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
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I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
🐿️
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I went to an antique auction. Three people bid on me.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
This time last night, there was a spider so big in my bathroom it put me under a glass on a postcard and carried me out.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too