Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wordle is trying to tell me something

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Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo

Me: lol *like*

Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news

Me: n-

Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

My son is wearing earbuds with no music playing so his sister won’t talk to him and I’m jealous because that never works for me.

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.

They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog

*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise

😎

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.

Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.

Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.

i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”

Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist

Anyway, thought of you

Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.

I hate gender stereotypes.

Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.

Turns out they don’t like whisky.

Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?

Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”

where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away

“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic