Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
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INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
how I feel after a shower
versus how I look after a shower
