Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
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Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
When one happens upon a small spoon, the proper response is to become the big spoon. It is simply what one does at times like this. I am however sorry for having disturbed your crime scene, officer. I’ll see myself out.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
As the Lord intended
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
apart from It’s ok
what other death threats
do women use?
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta