Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
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Blew my mind.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Buying my grandkids a drum set was a great idea. According to my daughter they play them ALL THE TIME.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
Wife (in deep thought): *clicking pen over and over again*
Me: Can you please stop doing that while we’re having sex?
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
i can’t wait that long
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Steven: Good evening
Stephen: Good ephening
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
My son just lectured his brother because he couldn’t find his phone like I didn’t just find his glasses in 2 minutes after he claimed they were lost forever.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano